Sunk

I denied it and held it off for about 3 months but when I got too tired it pushed me under. Can I even utter the words.......here goes...... I am depressed, again. To say that feels awful because it is like I am admitting defeat, like I wasn't strong enough or good enough to be happy. At the same time it is a relief because now I can stop pretending to be happy (not like can even do that anymore) and I will get the help I so desperately need. It has happened at least 6 times before this, but this part never seems to get any easier.
I still have not learned how to ask for help, with grace. I soon as I start I turn into a blubbering fool and feel like they only said yes because they just wanted to make all the fluid coming from my face stop. I'm afraid it will be a bad experience for my children to have a sick mom. It's not their fault that I am so sad, it just happens; obviously no matter how hard I try it still happens.

We will get through this. We have before.

When we started it seemed like a good idea....

This was a friend's status recently and I loved it. It feels like a good title for a book and intro to a good story. That was kind of how I felt this weekend went too.
Getting all the planning and inviting and stuff done all seemed like a good idea when we started, but then stuff happened, as it always does. We made it through and Mason had a great time. He really has grown up in the past little bit and I am going to miss his little boy antics. Now it will just be big boy stuff.
The dog saga is only beginning and if I felt I could just be a loop tape in Trev's head that said "Breath and be calm" I think he would handle some things with much greater success. Now that i think about it it wouldn't be just in relation to the dog either. Bordeaux is already an amazing gauge of how the energy of the house is going. And he is as good as gold when I make the time to train him. It is helping me stay grounded with the kids because they are the same. I am just so glad that the weather has tempered out enough that we can do some outdoor training and exercise. We have all needed it. I love that we all find more freedom (happiness and peace) when there are rules limits and boundaries.

Learning

So for the past couple of months Trever and I have been taking a learn to skate class. It has been really good for us. Trever had some experience with skating and I had none but now we are understanding how to skate backwards, stop, cross overs, turning and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't even begin to try yet. I got so excited after our last lesson when I was actually going fast enough to feel a breeze on my face; then I suddenly realized I had to make the turn at this speed and maybe even stop and my heart began to race, but I made it.
Now we have also began our Learn to Run 5km (2 miles for my American friends) class. These 2 classes overlap for 3 weeks (one on Tues and the other on Thurs) which is going to be hard on our bodies and stressful finding sitters. But we made it through the first running class. I had no idea what to expect and especially that we were going to go 5km the first night. My whole body hurts today and I am only worried that it will slow me down too much to finish the prep for Mason's birthday. I did it but it doesn't make me excited about next week. I don't even know how practicing this week is possible if I hurt like this after. Don't worry I am just laughing at myself for getting us into this and I am determined to at the very least finish the class. I may not become a runner but at least I will know how to.
On a brighter note (or is it?) Maggie is CRAWLING and STANDING with the help of anything she can hold onto. Which means everything off the floor and up to about 2 feet.
Sorry my brain is too tired to do anymore here, but I'll be back and hopefully with some pictures and more about what we've been up to.