Going through hell? Just keep walking.....

Sometimes there are words that the heart cannot utter. I have many of those these days.

I don't know if I will understand the how in this life but I do understand the power in prayer. All the prayers that have been sent up in behalf of our family and by our family, have been heard and answered; profoundly so. I am so grateful for that. I know the heartache that comes from being distanced from someone you love and not being able to be right there to help, but if you sincerely pray, God does send someone else to fill the intents of your heart.

I have been reading a lot lately trying to find answers to questions that are hard to answer. I have been greatly inspired as I search. I felt this life to be very burdensome at times (hahaha) and then I came across these scriptures. Let me tell you that I must have really needed to hear them because their meaning hit me during family scripture struggle, I mean study. The setting is that the people of Alma are in bondage not only to the Lamanites but to Amulon who was a priest of King Noah, all of this thru no fault of their own. This was just an affliction that the Lord saw fit to put them thru (Mosiah 23:21) Mosiah 24:13-15 "And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.
And will also ease the burden which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as a witness for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety the I, the Lord God do visit my people in their afflictions.
And no it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord."

I will stand as a witness that the Lord does visit his people in their afflictions, and that I am able to stand because he has made my burdens light even while I am in this mortal bondage. I am doing my best to submit cheerfully and with patience, letting Him know when I can go no further without his grace and strength.

We are continually going through tests 'not devised by human hands'. We are being refined in the Lord's crucible more often that we would chose. We are faced with the things that have the potential to hurt us most, but they are never greater than we can withstand; as he 'also make(s) a way to escape, that we may be able to bear it.' (1 Corinthians 10:13)

I have found how resilient my soul can be, I fear to know how resilient it could be. I have been bent further than I ever thought possible, time and time again. Each time I chose the path of the Lord he walks with me. President Uchtdorf said this about the 'why of obedience to the gospel?' ; "It magnifies our small acts of obedience into holy acts of consecration." I have witnessed time and time again that it is far more difficult to NOT live the gospel of Jesus Christ than it is to live it. When mortality gets tough I have a deep reservoir on which to draw; when I "have need(ed) to reach down inside a little deeper to face life and do (my) work, (I) will be sure there is something down there to call upon."

I am so grateful for every blessing granted me just so I can live another day and be happy. I am thankful choice and inspiration to make the right one, as God's will and timetable for my personal development are not always what I think they should be. I am so thankful that even while I feel I am in hell I can still keep walking. I am so thankful....

Feeling good (knock on wood)

I am finally able to say that I am feeling good, not great but good. Which is way more than what I have been feeling for the past 12 weeks. I really appreciate angels. I was sent some when I needed them the most, from unexpected sources as some of the ones I thought I should be able to count on weren't reliable.
I love that the kids are back in school. For their sake after this summer. They had a mostly bed ridden mom who directed them from the couch, when she could, on how to make sandwiches and ichiban (in the microwave). They were so good to me and to each other.
I am now 18 weeks along and barely showing but that probably has little to do with not keeping food down. I look forward to having an ultrasound done in a week. Hopefully they will be able to tell us what we are having as this was enough of a surprise already.
I got Amandine into piano lessons this year, and I also got Trever and Graydon taking guitar lessons together. I thought it would give them something special to work on together and maybe someone to help the other practice. They looked so cute today walking to their lesson with their guitars on their backs.
I have also been dabbling in some family history and have found out some amazing things that our family never knew. I would encourage everyone to just do a little; there is so much available out their now that you can find some really neat things. I found out that 75% of the generation that were around at that time were Mormon poineers, and that I have 2 prophets as direct ancestors, and that the family that originally settled Nantucket island and helped start forming America is related to me in two lines. I am sure this is only the beginning, I feel like I am on the show "Who do you think you are?". The internet is awesome!!!! you can throw out a name and some dates and come up with stories and resources that would blow your mind. Like I said you should try it even just a little.

Too Smart

So Maggie is always amazing us with the things she has figured out at almost 14 months. This morning was really surprising. I had left her on the main level after breakfast thinking she would follow me and the other kids as usual. She didn't and I could hear her pushing her high chair around so I left her. Then I could hear her whining and so I called her to come but she just kept whining, so I thought maybe she had gotten herself stuck somewhere. When I went to get her I was greeted by this vision.....

This is the smart part. The yogurt container was on the table, away from the edge, and it had not been opened yet. So she got it down and opened the first lid and then somehow peeled the foil back and then had some.






What a kid! After we got everything cleaned up Amandine went outside and Maggie tried to follow. She was very upset about being left inside and was reaching for the screen door handle to get herself out. It totally freaked me out because that means she knows what she needs to do to get out, she just needs to gain a few inches!!!!

She also got a shoe this morning and was trying to put it on. I asked her if she needed help and she brought the shoe over to me and as she held it out she said 'Shoe'.
I know I need her to grow up fast with another baby on the way so soon but I just hope it comes with obedience. Here's to hoping!

Number 5

So I am now 12 weeks along and sick as a dog as always. But we are keeping our eyes on the result. I still can't believe it some days, but then I feel awful and think 'this better be for real'. So grateful for friends who have shown up at my little cries for help and done amazing things to help us get through this part.
The kids have had tons of TV time this summer but what else can I do when the body falls asleep 2 hours after being up? They are also getting good at making sandwiches and ichiban all by themselves.
Well I am too tired to say anymore right now.

Getting Better

Wow it takes a lot to make sure I get better. Get the supporters in place, the meds, the exercise, the acupuncture, chiro, and a lot of prayer.

Sunk

I denied it and held it off for about 3 months but when I got too tired it pushed me under. Can I even utter the words.......here goes...... I am depressed, again. To say that feels awful because it is like I am admitting defeat, like I wasn't strong enough or good enough to be happy. At the same time it is a relief because now I can stop pretending to be happy (not like can even do that anymore) and I will get the help I so desperately need. It has happened at least 6 times before this, but this part never seems to get any easier.
I still have not learned how to ask for help, with grace. I soon as I start I turn into a blubbering fool and feel like they only said yes because they just wanted to make all the fluid coming from my face stop. I'm afraid it will be a bad experience for my children to have a sick mom. It's not their fault that I am so sad, it just happens; obviously no matter how hard I try it still happens.

We will get through this. We have before.

When we started it seemed like a good idea....

This was a friend's status recently and I loved it. It feels like a good title for a book and intro to a good story. That was kind of how I felt this weekend went too.
Getting all the planning and inviting and stuff done all seemed like a good idea when we started, but then stuff happened, as it always does. We made it through and Mason had a great time. He really has grown up in the past little bit and I am going to miss his little boy antics. Now it will just be big boy stuff.
The dog saga is only beginning and if I felt I could just be a loop tape in Trev's head that said "Breath and be calm" I think he would handle some things with much greater success. Now that i think about it it wouldn't be just in relation to the dog either. Bordeaux is already an amazing gauge of how the energy of the house is going. And he is as good as gold when I make the time to train him. It is helping me stay grounded with the kids because they are the same. I am just so glad that the weather has tempered out enough that we can do some outdoor training and exercise. We have all needed it. I love that we all find more freedom (happiness and peace) when there are rules limits and boundaries.

Learning

So for the past couple of months Trever and I have been taking a learn to skate class. It has been really good for us. Trever had some experience with skating and I had none but now we are understanding how to skate backwards, stop, cross overs, turning and a whole bunch of other stuff I can't even begin to try yet. I got so excited after our last lesson when I was actually going fast enough to feel a breeze on my face; then I suddenly realized I had to make the turn at this speed and maybe even stop and my heart began to race, but I made it.
Now we have also began our Learn to Run 5km (2 miles for my American friends) class. These 2 classes overlap for 3 weeks (one on Tues and the other on Thurs) which is going to be hard on our bodies and stressful finding sitters. But we made it through the first running class. I had no idea what to expect and especially that we were going to go 5km the first night. My whole body hurts today and I am only worried that it will slow me down too much to finish the prep for Mason's birthday. I did it but it doesn't make me excited about next week. I don't even know how practicing this week is possible if I hurt like this after. Don't worry I am just laughing at myself for getting us into this and I am determined to at the very least finish the class. I may not become a runner but at least I will know how to.
On a brighter note (or is it?) Maggie is CRAWLING and STANDING with the help of anything she can hold onto. Which means everything off the floor and up to about 2 feet.
Sorry my brain is too tired to do anymore here, but I'll be back and hopefully with some pictures and more about what we've been up to.

February always seems like this

As I have looked back through my day planners and the notes I have made about family stuff it seems that every February for at least 5 years we have gotten some kind of nasty illness. And this year was no different. We had puking and diarrhea for a week and a half. Graydon was the worst by missing school and puking up every thing he ate for a week. The doctor congratulated me on somehow keeping the kid reasonably hydrated despite it all. Maggie was the next worst and lost a pound but never got dehydrated enough to take her to the hospital. Amandine was a good little mom and would snuggle with her and 'read' her stories.
Our puppy is growing fast and is now a healthy 5lb 14ozs. Which is the same weight Maggie arrived at. The kids are learning how to be good pack leaders, except Mason. Kicking the dog for no apparent reason is really not being a good pack leader, in any books. Mason does not cut me any slack when it comes to paying attention to him. If I am not giving him enough he will find ways to make me pay attention, like eating pie right out of the pan in the fridge, peeing on his bedroom floor three nights in a row, and teasing the dog or Maggie. (just to name a very few) He was funny the other day at church. He was hanging off of Trever's lap in sacrament meeting and came up with something in his mouth. The following conversation then happened:
Trev: Mason what is that in your mouth?
Mason: I dunno.
Trev: Did you get that off the floor?
Mason: Yeah
Trev: So what is it Mason?
Mason: Chewy.
Maggie is so close to crawling I think I want to cry. Mostly because I don't know if can handle another moving thing in this house. I won't know where to place gates anymore. Between trying to keep the dog out of certain areas and then Maggie too I've got my work cut out for me climbing around my house.Amandine did skating in ECS and did great. She just loved it and got pretty good by the end. She also was so proud to show off her dog to her class.
We got our closets done. They look so wonderful to me now that I smile every time I see them. The kids were wondering why I had all this empty space in mine. I didn't really know what to tell them except that it was always there I just couldn't use it before. At least one part of my room makes me smile. We have to get the bathroom done before I start anymore projects, but it is not going anywhere at the moment. I do have a couch coming on Saturday.What a crazy week. We have had immunizations (for human and dog), dr appointments, chiro, acupuncture, skating lessons, meetings, did Valentine's even happen?... And the Flames rock!!!!

Wanted: Sleep

So close to getting a good nights rest. The baby slept pretty much through the night and I think the puppy would have too if Mason hadn't woken up and barfed all over his bed. The poor kid was so delirious/tired it was like trying to understand a foreign language when he was talking.
Now all I can think about today is that I don't have the van, and groceries need to be bought. But I can get laundry and some cleaning done, if I can focus and push through the exhaustion. If I'm really good I will get some exercise in. Or maybe I should get into some real clothes first.
Trev and I were supposed to be in the Marriage and Family class at church for the months of Jan and Feb but between me needing to go to ward conferences, canceled church one week, and now a baby blessing I don't think we will ever make it. I feel bad that they are missing out on all of our great knowledge about how to have the perfect marriage and family (HAHAHAHAHA).
So Mason is on this kick of saying 'Lady'. He likes to call people 'lady' and himself. And he says 'Whoo-hoo'. So it goes something like this most of the time "I'm a lady, whoo-hoo". I think he just likes the way it sounds, and the reaction he gets when he calls someone else a lady, particularly men.
So I don't mind the snow and I don't mind a little cold but when it is so cold that I am bundling the kids up like mummies just to get in the van, it gets a little frustrating. I can't send them outside to play, the snow doesn't stick together and the van is always frosty. Oh and the house not matter how high I crank the heat it has a little chill to it. I am really wanting some tolerable weather so I can feel a little freer and not cooped up.
I have been loosing weight on an up note. A pound a week seems to be the average. That means I will hit my goal by April and hopefully my pre pregnancy jeans will fit (and I am only talk about fitting into the jeans that fit me just before my last pregnancy.)

A DOG!!!!

So we took the plunge this week. We had been looking at dogs for a couple of years now and had not found anything that would work for our family. Then last fall I came across the breed of Havanese and from everything I could find out about them they seemed like the best match for our family. I started filling out online applications to different breeders. Then just this past week one of them had called to say they had some puppies available and after a good conversation/interview it was left at "I'll take a look at the ones you've recommended and talk to my husband and then I'll get back to you." Well Trev seemed okay with what I liked and I called the breeder back the next day and he said that he was coming our way the next day because his mom was ill and that he could bring the pup with him. So suddenly we were getting a puppy and making road trip to Calgary to get it.
When we met the breeder and the pup it was an instant click. I was ready to say no if we needed to because I was not about to make the same mistake I had felt others had made and get a puppy just because it was cute. This little guy just had the right attitude and personality for me (he has even got Trev loving him). The kids of course love him, a little too much sometimes. I especially think it is funny how Maggie tries to reach for him when he's around her. She even got up on her knees for the first time, like she was ready to crawl just so she could be a little closer to him.
Did I mention his name is Bordeaux (said bore-doh)?And he is 3.75 pounds of sweetness. Thank you so much the breeders for taking a chance on a 'big' family of small kids. He is exactly what this mom needs and her family too!!!

Just some pics

Just had some pictures that made me smile. Graydon and his cousin Kayla checking out the book that their great-grandparents made for Christmas. It is all pictures of the cards and cartoons they have made and sent over the years.



This is Maggie sitting up.








And then as always Mason... Do you see what is wrong in this pic? Yes his underwear is on backwards. He does this almost every time he puts them on. I think it is because he holds them up to make sure they are the right way and then just puts them on, which makes them backwards.

Only one Accident

We had only one accident today, and Mason pooped 3 times in the toilet. WOW! After all the trouble I've been through I hope this is not just a lucky day. We had even gone out for the afternoon in underwear with no back up plan.
Maybe he knew his mom had finally admitted that her postpartum depression was not a passing bad mood, because those don't last for days on end. I thought I could avoid it this time, but it wasn't so. There are so many taboo things that pass through my mind and sometimes out of my mouth when it hits me. When you feel like you are drowning yelling and screaming seem like the only way people will hear you. I feel terrible that the ones I love the most have to deal with the worst kind of mom and wife when this happens. I wish there were some way I could send everyone away and wallow in it for a few days.
Just keep breathing.

I don't know

So Mason finally went poo in the toilet on Saturday!....but he also put a half roll of toilet paper in the toilet that morning when he had only gone pee, then he flushed it a few times and caused a flood that almost made it out of the bathroom. And he hasn't pooped in the toilet since. I only have one chance a day which makes it even more difficult. I don't know...
On the other hand Maggie is keeping me smiling with her funny little noises. She has been doing this sucking in gasping noise; it is so funny. She is really getting the hang of making noise whether she is breathing in or out. No, it is not a condition, she does it just when she feels like it, and is always smiling and laughing when she does it. She is also a pro at sitting now and it won't be too long before she sits up by herself and then starts the 'crawling rocker'.

Holiday Let Down

I am seriously feeling blue. It was feeling it yesterday too but I couldn't put my finger on it until today. It is the after party let down. Everyone had gone home. Some we didn't see enough of and some not at all. Wish that more had gotten done, and less, all at the same time. I especially would like some sleep.
Hoping that this isn't the trigger for my postpartum depression that I having been successfully holding at bay so far. This is the longest I have gone after having the baby. Dreading and loving getting back in to the routine. Really dislike that I have to feed a baby three meals a day now plus nursing time. I think this is the only part of babyhood that I can say I really don't enjoy. Potty training is back into high gear... again (why doesn't he care!?!) 5 months of it and counting.
Well enough boo hooing. Let's get back to work.

Update

So I totally blew off December as a month to blog. Sorry to anyone trying to keep up with the Broadheads. Trev and I had fun going to his work party wearing ugly sweaters. It is amazing what a few craft supplies and hot glue can do to really make a sweater ugly. I really shouldn't have let Trev go and pick out the sweaters because I ended up with a wool turtleneck which later made me end up with a rash on my neck, and heat stroke. And Amandine was up to her usual "I'm wearing what I like" even though none of it matches. It was cold outside and she refused to put on pant so she found her tallest and prettiest socks to go with her already well matched blue patterned shirt and polka dot skirt.





Mason continues to try my patience and be cute while doing it. On New Year's day he disappeared while we were hanging out at the the Boys and Girls Club, only to be found in the coat closet with a piece of pizza in his hand and the rest in an open box on the floor next to him.
We spent the month going to Christmas concerts and having fun and finally all of the kids getting sick.



We ended up staying home on Christmas day instead of traveling because we had been up all night with a sick baby and Graydon wasn't doing so hot either. I had made the kids get dressed but between naps and taking care of the necessities Trev and I stayed in our pjs. So near the end of the day I thought I would make good use of my new tripod and capture the moment. Isn't it awesome? That was the only shot we had to take... everyone was looking and smiling. For me it really captured our blah but fun day together as a family. Trev said he thought it looked like we were in a cabin. I laughed at the thought that our ugly real wood paneling could look like somewhere nice. I thought it made the picture look 20 years old. It is all in our perspective isn't it?